


Dinner and a Show

by keelywolfe



Series: by any other name [6]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Underfell, Alternate Universe - Underswap, Domestic, M/M, Original Character(s), Original Undertale Character(s) - Freeform, Spicyhoney - Freeform, Underfell Papyrus, Underswap Papyrus, Undertale Monsters on the Surface, papcest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-04
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-05 10:00:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 11,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15168248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keelywolfe/pseuds/keelywolfe
Summary: Finally,AndyJeff gets to have dinner with the skeleton boys.  It's not quite what he was expecting.





	1. Chapter 1

* * *

Jeff had known who Stretch was before the whole Bus Incident, in a distant sort of way. Six months ago, fresh from college with his new sociology degree and a shiny student loan payment, Jeff had used his hard earned education to get a job at a book store. It wasn't bad, all things considered; they carried a lot of antique books, the owner did restoration, and he'd hired Jeff to handle the online orders. They were never going to compete with any of the gargantuan sellers but none of them really handled rare stuff. 

Paid the bills, anyway.

He'd been working there maybe a week when Stretch first stopped in. He wasn't loud, not verbally, but there was something about his presence that was loud past the fact he was a Monster. Being a walking skeleton probably got him more than a couple of double takes every time he came into Ebott. Had to be pretty damn tiring, so Jeff had spent most of his time trying not to stare like an asshole while Stretch chatted with the owner in what he thought might have been German, a language that Jeff hadn't even known Thomas spoke. 

It was after Stretch had left, a bag of books slung over his shoulder, that Jeff had asked about him. Subtlety wasn't exactly of a strength of his so he'd just gone for broke. 

"Friend of yours?"

"Stretch?" Thomas laughed and took off his glasses, rubbing at his rheumy blue eyes with wrinkled fingers. "Something like that. Odd books, he likes, doesn't care much about the price." The old man slanted him a shrewd look. "If Monsters bother you, I'll give you your paycheck now and you can take the next bus home."

It had taken him a moment too long to realize that Thomas had been politely offering to fire his ass if he was about to show some racist roots and Jeff had hastily corrected him. "No, no, Monsters don't bother me! To be honest, I've never really met one."

Thomas harrumphed and shook his head. "Get used to them. Some of them like books. Good people and they pay cash."

With that, he'd shuffled back to his office again. Jeff had gone back to fulfilling online orders and that had been it. Stretch came in every few weeks, always wandering in with headphones on and a backpack slung over his shoulder. Once or twice he'd tipped Jeff a wink or a grin but they'd never really talked; he was there to buy from Thomas and whatever, that was fine. Jeff wasn't the kind of jerk who wanted to talk to Stretch just because he was a Monster. 

And then the Bus Incident had happened. That's what Jeff had taken to calling it in his head, complete with capital letters and trauma. Part of him was still distantly amazed he'd actually gotten involved. He'd noticed Stretch on the bus that day, pretty hard not to see him, but it was only when the other guy had started shouting, spraying saliva and insults at him that Jeff had stepped up. He couldn't not step up, not when he'd seen the shock on Stretch's face, the fear, and no one else had done anything, either too afraid or just not wanting to get involved. Distantly, he'd heard the bus driver on the radio, calling the police but everything had been done by the time they showed up. 

The other guy had gotten a bloody nose. Jeff had gotten a black eye and apparently saved Stretch's life, and he'd even managed to stave off a panic attack until after he'd made bail, curled up on his bed while the muffled sounds of his roommates watching Big Bang Theory filtered through his door, wondering what the fuck he was going to do. He hadn’t been trying to be a hero. He just couldn’t let that guy hurt someone just because they were a Monster and thinking about what Edge had told him, that he’d actually saved his life was equal parts elating and nauseating.

The more he thought about it, the more nauseating it became. 

As it turned out, thanks to Antwan and Stretch, he hadn't had to do much; his case had been quickly dismissed, name cleared, and everything had been back to normal until he'd tried to pay his damn student loans. 

A month ago, he'd barely known Stretch's name. Now he was one of the very few humans with access to New New Home, sitting in his date's car, and about to have dinner with Stretch and his…husband? Boyfriend? Jeff wasn't very clear on that and he could just ask Antwan but---yeah. 

Frankly, Jeff didn’t know what Antwan even saw in him. Just your basic debt-bound millennial who’d managed to shed his student loans in the worst way ever. 

Sex, sure, the sex was great. But Antwan was a successful lawyer and worked with the same monsters that Jeff had been looking at with surreptitious curiosity for six months. Jeff had three roommates and was still barely able to afford rent. He didn't want Antwan to see him as some stupid young guy trying to worm his way into the Monster's good graces for…he didn't know. Some weird notch on his belt?

He'd never dated a black man before Antwan either and he didn't want any of this to be some kind of big deal. He liked Antwan and he liked Stretch. Not the same way, of course. Maybe he was being stupid…probably he was being stupid. 

He was definitely being stupid about all this; he just didn't want them to think he was after something from either them, not more than their company, anyway. Definitely not their money; he was still kind of annoyed about them stealing his student loans but he didn't exactly know how to pay them back for it. Edge didn't seem like a guy who was much for take backsies.

So here he was in a very expensive car, wearing jeans and a cheap Walmart dress shirt, hoping very, very much that he didn't fuck this up. 

Yeah. He was going to fuck this up. Antwan’s tie probably cost more than his whole outfit, including his shoes.

It probably was about the sex. Who didn't like to get laid? Even Jeff had to admit he'd been ridiculously easy. They'd barely cleared the court room when Antwan had asked him out for a drink. To celebrate, he'd said. Had it been a good idea? Jeff had no idea but he hadn't been about to turn down a gorgeous lawyer and an offer of a drink was better than asking him for a blowjob in the men's bathroom. Nah, that he'd done in Antwan's tidy, expensive apartment. What he hadn't really expected was to get asked out again. And again.

Antwan was focused on driving along the winding road that led to New New Home and Jeff had to resist the urge to just lean in close to him and inhale. It was one of the first things about Antwan that had caught his attention when they'd met in a jail cell that had seemed a lot less friendly when Stretch had left; sure, he was attractive as hell but he smelled so damn good, clean and a subtle cologne that probably cost as much as Jeff's rent. It had been really distracting when they were sitting in a courtroom together and Jeff had to pretending to look innocent and undangerous while sporting wood underneath the table. Or popping a bone under the table as Stretch would say.

Jeff sighed inwardly. Well, even if the sex was all it was, he may as well enjoy it while it lasted.

"Here we are," Antwan said suddenly. He turned down the radio at the same time they crested a hill and Jeff could only stare, more shocked than he'd expected. Whatever he'd thought to see when they first got here, the size of the fence had not been it; topped with razor wire, it stretched as far as he could see.

The guard station was manned with four humans at the gate and who knew who else might be inside it, all of them armed. They seemed to know Antwan, swiping his badge, but they'd checked the card Edge had given Jeff with careful scrutiny, asking for his state ID as well and scanning both through a machine before finally waving them through. The road on the other side seemed barren, any greenery cleared away.

"This isn't what I expected," Jeff murmured. Houses were starting to become visible as they drove on, rising out of the horizon.

"A little out there, right?" Antwan seemed amused. "Yeah, it's a little fucked up."

"It's like a jail or a compound or something."

"To us, yeah, but trust me, the Monsters don't see it that way. They're used to being cramped under a mountain and for right now, it's safer for them to be here. It's too easy for humans to hurt them. Every guard is carefully screened, too. Monsters are really easy to like, you know? They're just people but they tend to be nicer than most humans. 

Antwan grinned suddenly and shook his head. "Except Jerry, but eh, no one likes Jerry."

Going from the nothingness of the road into the city proper was like driving into the strangest suburb Jeff had ever seen. The houses were cookie cutter alike, the same as half the neighborhoods he'd seen as a kid but the people weren't…people. No, that was fucked up, they were people just not _human_ people. It was difficult not to goggle out the window, trying not to stare at all the Monsters, walking and—hovering?—on the sidewalks, kinds that he'd never seen, even online. Kinds? Races? He wasn't sure how to describe different varieties of Monsters and made a mental note to figure out how to ask Antwan before he offended someone. 

The Monsters didn't seem to have any such qualm. They stopped and stared openly at the car, although a few offered cheery waves. A few smaller Monsters in striped shirts chased after the car on bicycles and Jeff remembered reading that Monster children always wore stripes. They were kids and they had to live here because some humans wouldn't see them that way. Jeff thought of the guy on the bus and suddenly, that fence seemed like a much better idea.

Antwan pulled into the driveway of an unremarkable house, hardly different than any of the others aside from a neat flower bed alive with color. He parked behind what looked like another obscenely expensive car; Jeff didn't know enough about cars to say for sure but he did know that no one at his college had driven anything close to that.

Well, may as well jump right in. Jeff reached unthinkingly for the door handle, pausing when Antwan set a hand on his knee and squeezed gently. "Okay, a few ground rules. First, don't shake Stretch's hand. The chance of him having a whoopee cushion or a joy buzzer is about a hundred percent. Don't even bother.

"Second, let Stretch come in first. I don't care if it's for a fist bump or a hug, he goes first, all right? You don't touch him first unless you want Edge to tear you in half."

Jeff frowned a little, thinking of Edge. He'd seemed like an okay guy in a rough sort of way, like one of those Harley Davidson guys you saw in the news who protected kids from abusers. He wasn't sure how to feel about his newest friend being involved with someone like Antwan was describing. "That doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship."

"Do you know what Monster HP is?" Antwan countered and Jeff nodded hesitantly. "Well, Stretch has about five on a good day." 

Oh. "That…that seems really low."

"It is. Little kids have about twenty. So you can see why Edge is a little overprotective." Antwan sighed tiredly. "And Stretch isn't always as careful as he should be. It takes intent to hurt a monster. Once Edge gets to know you better, he'll trust you more but for right now? Just keep your hands to yourself."

Antwan tapped the steering wheel with his free hand, tipping his head to look at the front door. It was still closed, not even a flicker of the curtains. "He's a little high strung right now, both of them are. Their brothers are out of town, part of the delegation meeting with heads of state out of the country. Neither of them are very chill about it." 

"Don't shake hands. Stretch comes in first," Jeff repeated, more nervous with each passing second. Stupid. He and Stretch had chatted online a couple of times and it was just dinner. He wasn't going to fuck this up. 

He was going to try really hard not to fuck this up.

Jeff nodded decisively. "I've got it. Anything else?"

"Just this," Antwan leaned in and gave him a soft kiss, another, and Jeff took advantage of his closeness to inhale deeply, because fuck, the way Antwan smelled made him shiver in a bone-deep way. Heh, bone-deep, he'd have to tell Stretch that one.

Antwan gave him a last kiss, their lips clinging damply, before he leaned back with a sigh. "Relax. I've known these guys for years now and Edge cooks better than Gordon fucking Ramsey."

"Is that his official name?" Jeff laughed and Antwan grinned back at him. He reached into the back seat and snagged a gift bag, the neck of a bottle sticking out of the top.

"Only on the BBC because the censors in America suck. Now come on."

Jeff opened his door and followed Antwan up the sidewalk. Before they'd even gotten to the porch, the door flung open and Stretch darted out, grinning widely. 

"andy! good to see you, man!" He had both arms around Jeff before he could do more than grunt in surprise, gingerly returning the hug even as he noticed Edge watching him coolly from the front door, arms crossed over his chest and eye sockets narrowed in a way that Jeff hadn't even realized they could do. 

Yeah… this was starting out really well. 

"Stretch, let them in the door," Edge said, equal parts impatient and resigned, "unless you're trying to give the neighbors a show."

"if they want a show, they can pirate netflix from your brother like we do. come on, come in where the air conditioning lives," Stretch let Jeff go and bounced back up the steps, not waiting to see if they followed. 

"He must really like you," Antwan muttered, low, "He's up and dressed, AND excited."

"That he's up and dressed is impressive?" Jeff asked curiously. And a little relieved, getting a hug like that from Stretch while he was undressed would probably have resulted in more than a glare. 

"No, that he's up is impressive," Antwan stopped on the porch, hanging back. Edge had followed Stretch inside and the door was still open. Lowering his voice, Antwan added, "Up and dressed is astonishing. I'm not sure where we place that he's excited. He's been on house arrest for the past couple weeks, though, so that might explain it."

"House arrest?" Jeff blinked. "He never mentioned it on twitter."

"Yeah, well, Stretch is not great at following directions but even he gets a gag order."

"Why was he on house arrest?"

Antwan's mouth thinned, his face tight with annoyance, "The guy who attacked you on the bus? He's been saying Stretch attacked him first and the court of public opinion is fickle."

"Why didn't he say something?" Jeff hissed. "Why didn't you? I would've made a…a statement or something!"

"Stretch made me promise not to ask you, he didn't want you getting any more involved that you already were." Antwan shrugged. "Didn't seem like a reason not to at the time, we weren't dating yet. But you don't break promises you make to Stretch, add that to your list of rules. He'll forgive a lot but that's some serious shit to him."

"But…there were other people on the bus! And the driver…"

"Yep, there were," Antwan agreed, sourly. "Not many humans though and guess how many of them have stepped forward."

"None?" Jeff guessed glumly.

"Two, actually, but it's more fun for people to believe the bad stuff."

Before Jeff could say anything else, Edge leaned out the door. "I've been assured you're both housetrained, you're welcome to come inside."

Antwan only shrugged and followed him through the door, handing him the gift bag. "If you only allow in the housetrained, what's Stretch doing in there?"

"You say that as if I have a choice. I can hardly get him to do things that he _wants_ to do—" Edge walked through another door to what Jeff guessed was the kitchen, Antwan on his heels which left Jeff alone in the living room. 

To be honest, Jeff wasn't quite sure what he'd been expecting. What hadn't really crossed his mind was how utterly normal it was. There was a leather sofa and a matching chair with a colorful blanket draped over the back. A coffee table sat in front of it with a rack of coasters and one was already in use by a half-empty glass with condensation dripping down it. 

One wall was lined with bookshelves to the point of overflowing and on another were shelves that looked like they might have wandered in straight from Ikea, displaying a neat collection of action figures. Curiously, Jeff examined the shelves; each one was displayed by category; Avengers, Justice League, two with Transformers and his inner nerd noted that they were sorted by G1 and modern era. 

"like those?" Stretch almost seemed to appear at his elbow and Jeff flinched back, heart pounding.

"Jesus…uh…yeah, actually," Jeff admitted, a little torn between showing off his knowledge and looking like a nerd to his boyfriend. "This is a great collection even out of the box. I didn't know you collected action figures."

"i don’t," Stretch seemed distinctly amused, "those are the edgelord's. hey, babe," he called out, louder. "andy likes your toys!"

From the kitchen came, "His name is Jeff and they are not toys!" That had the tone of a long standing argument. "They are action figures."

"uh huh," Stretch gave Jeff a wink. "well, you've had the two cent tour, have a seat. dinner should be ready soon."

Antwan wandered back out of the kitchen with two glasses of wine. He handed one to Jeff with questioning look and he took a sip. It was good, not that Jeff knew a damn thing about wine, sweet and fruity.

His own glass in hand, Antwan sat in an armchair, crossing his ankle over his knee. "So now that you're out and about in the city again, did you find the book I was looking for?"

Stretch clasped a hand over his chest and it was amazing how a bare skull could look so expressive. Right now he was going with wounded indignation. "why do you doubt me? have i ever let you down? haven't i found every freaky book you've ever wanted, you weirdo?

"A yes or a no would be great," Antwan said dryly. 

"yeah, yeah, i found it." Stretch flopped on the sofa, but he drew his knees up to let Jeff sit on the end.

Jeff hadn't even known Antwan collected rare books. "You could have asked me," he pointed out, feeling inexplicable hurt. Not like it was his job or anything.

Antwan shrugged, "Might’ve but we’ve been dating for about two weeks and Stretch has been finding books for me for about two years."

"yeah, and this picky bitch can't be happy with just any copy," Stretch mocked. He picked up the glass from the table and drank from it, which was far more fascinating than Jeff wanted to admit. He'd watched Edge drinking in the coffee shop, too, and wanted desperately to ask where the hell it went. Would that be rude? It was probably rude.

"What book?" he asked instead. 

"a first edition print of 'the strange case of doctor jekyll and mister hyde,'" Stretch slid his feet down until his toes pressed against Jeff's leg, nudging at him. "only he wanted the american one, not the british version."

"Oh, we just sold one of those in the shop," Jeff remembered. He'd filled out the invoice. 

Stretch was grinning and Jeff finally caught on. "yeah, i know. thanks, andy."

"His name is Jeff!" Edge sighed as the kitchen door swung open. He was carrying a tray that he set on the coffee table. Cheese and crackers, alongside olives and a few things Jeff didn't recognize. Figs, maybe? Whatever it was, it looked like Antwan had been honest enough about Edge's cooking, it all looked sort of pretty and delicious. "And you may as well get Antwan's book now, you'll forget if you wait."

"yeah, my memory is like a religious experience, it's very holy," Stretch agreed. And before anyone could so much as groan, he vanished into thin air with a weird pop.

"Holy fuck!" Jeff blurted, scrambling back so quickly he almost fell off the sofa.

"Yeah, he does that sometimes," Antwan rolled his eyes. "I'd say he's showing off, but he's really not. He doesn't even think about it."

He reappeared a moment later, in exactly the same spot, book in hand. "here, you ungrateful wretch, i…" he noticed Jeff staring at him, "what?"

"You can…what, teleport?" Jeff breathed, eyes wide.

Stretch blinked. "oh. uh, yeah, i always called it taking a shortcut but yeah. sorry."

"Don't apologize," Jeff blurted. "That was so fucking cool! I loved Nightcrawler when I was a kid, seriously, he was the best X-man and you just _bamph_ , right out of here!" Jeff noticed they were all staring at him and he trailed off, swallowing uncomfortably. "Sorry, I…sorry," he muttered.

"oh, no, please, go on," Stretch grinned. "tell me how awesome i am."

"Don't encourage him," Edge grumbled.

"you wanna try?" Stretch held out a hand and Jeff gave Antwan and Edge a cautious look. "oh, someone is a spoilsport. antwan, see if i find any books for you again." He tossed a small rubber whoopee cushion on the coffee table where it deflated with a sad wheeze, then held up his empty hand, waggling his fingers. "see? it's safe, come on."

"Oh, go ahead," Antwan sighed. "He'll be unbearable if you don’t."

Jeff hesitantly took his hand and let Stretch pull him up. "it's easier on other people if you walk," he explained. "and a one, a two—"

"—a three," he finished. He caught Jeff by both shoulders when he wobbled. The bones of his fingers were hard, digging in through his shirt.

"We're outside." Jeff said dumbly. They were at the end of the driveway, standing on the sidewalk.

"yep," Stretch took a pack of cigarettes out of his hoodie pocket, shaking one out and lighting it, exhaling away from Jeff. Distantly, Jeff wondered where the smoke he inhaled went.

"We were inside and now we are outside."

"still yep."

"Okay, you have to promise me something."

Stretch tensed, "tell me first."

"Promise you won't tell Antwan I did this." Jeff bounced on his toes and squealed into his hands. "Oh my holy fuck that was SO COOL!"

Stretch chuckled out a puff of smoke. "it is, kinda. not many monsters can do it, actually, i only know two others and i'm sort of related to them."

"Sort of?" 

"it's a long story."

There was a flowerbed surrounding the base of the mailbox, a froth of flowers erupting from it in shades of orange and yellow, daisies and black-eyed susans. The sound of children playing wasn't far away, laughter that gurgled and warbled and didn't sound human and the fresh air was faintly scented with cigarette smoke. Normal and surreal churned together and he was a human in a world of Monsters.

"I've got time?" Jeff offered, weakly and curious. 

Stretch laughed and tamped out his cigarette, "i'll tell you sometime, i promise. c'mon, let's get back." He held out his hand and Jeff took it. Instantly, a loud, rubbery farting sound filled the air.

"gotta watch out for those," Stretch said innocently and Jeff grinned. 

Maybe dinner would be okay, after all.

tbc


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

Teleporting back inside was as quick and easy as before except this time Jeff managed to keep his feet under him. In the living room, Antwan and Edge had already started in on the cheese tray and barely gave them a glance. 

"see, you got this!" Stretch laughed, slapping him on the back. "already doing better than edge, he tosses his cookies along with everything else every time he teleports."

"I'm so glad my incapacities are a source of amusement for you," Edge said coolly. Jeff cringed inwardly but Stretch only snorted, flopping down next to him on the sofa. 

"truth hurts, lover."

Almost, Jeff expected Edge to push Stretch away, snarl at him, or maybe worse. Not that he didn't believe Antwan, it was just he seemed so…ominous. Sharpened teeth and fingers, his eye lights glaring red in a harsh contrast to Stretch's soft white and he was dressed all in black with a deep crimson tie that was probably as expensive as Antwan's. To see him slide an arm around Stretch to tug him a little closer made Jeff relax, a little. 

More so when he offered Stretch a cracker with a slice of cheese on it. That was actually sort of adorable. He ate it happily before leaning forward and snatching another one. 

"Don't ruin your appetite for dinner," Edge murmured. Stretch only scoffed and munched on his second cracker, popping it into his mouth where it seemed to vanish. Nothing came from the underside of his jaw, nothing in the throat region where it would show if it was somehow swallowed. It was really sort of fascinating and—

"it's magic," Stretch said abruptly.

"What?" Jeff blinked. He realized he was still standing by the door where they'd teleported back in and a little awkwardly he moved to lean against the back of Antwan's chair. He put a hesitant hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently when it wasn't shrugged away.

"the food," Stretch gestured at his face with an impatient hand wave, "and the drinks, when we eat the field that holds us together absorbs it and converts it to useable energy. magic."

Oh. Yeah, he'd pretty much been staring at them. 

"I didn't ask," Jeff said meekly.

"yeah, but you wanted to," Stretch shrugged, jostling Edge's arm over his shoulders. "everyone does. antwan asked first thing."

"I'm a lawyer, asking questions is my job," Antwan grumbled, munching on his own cracker. He held up a cracker in offering to Jeff, and he took it, biting in hesitantly. The cheese was wincingly sharp, crumbling beneath his teeth. Amazingly good. Even if Edge hadn't cooked it, he had pretty damn good taste.

Jeff chewed appreciatively, swallowing before he said, "So you guys already know the HBO special on how Antwan and I got together. How did you two meet?"

"We met because the walls between our universes were weakened by repeated resets and eventually collapsed," Edge said tonelessly.

Jeff laughed weakly, trailing off to stare at the others. Edge wasn’t laughing and Stretch had a lopsided smile. It was still sort of weird to see that they could smile, but then Stretch seemed to be more expressive than half the humans Jeff knew. "You’re serious."

"He’s always serious," Antwan said dryly. "And if we're going to make small talk, before you ask, Edge works as a liaison at the Embassy and on his days off, he volunteers down at the local YMCA. Stretch…" He propped his chin on his hand, "Huh. What exactly is it you do, Stretch, aside from twitter bitching and getting into shit?"

"build moral," Stretch said loftily. 

A trill came from Antwan's phone. He took a look at the screen and cursed, "Shit, I have to take this."

Without a second's pause, he went outside, his sharp, "hello?" the last word Jeff heard before the door closed and left him alone with two Monsters, one of whom seemed to be glaring at him and the other simply waiting for him to offer another conversational gambit. Fantastic, he was doing _such_ a great job. No wonder he worked at a fucking book store in online ordering.

"You do volunteer work?" Jeff asked brightly. Maybe too brightly, did he sound surprised? He was, a little, but he would be just as surprised if Stretch did it. "Bet the kids love you."

"Of course they do," Edge said dispassionately. He seemed utterly unimpressed by the choice of topic. "Human children are remarkably similar to Monster ones. They want attention and discipline."

"he likes to spend time with kids who are as much trouble as he was," Stretch said, sotto voce, and yelped when he was pushed off the sofa to the floor as Edge stood.

"Which may be why I tolerate you. I'm going to check on dinner."

"you do that, babe," Stretch said from the floor.

Jeff watched him walk into the kitchen with wide eyes before moving to crouch next to Stretch, "Are you okay?"

Because seriously, he didn't even have a fenced yard and he lived with three other guys but Stretch was more than welcome to stay with him if he wasn't.

Stretch snorted, tipping his head back to look at Jeff upside down. "uh, yeah. you know, i can almost feel you worrying about my well-being. this is his way of being funny, trust me. he'd never hurt me."

"I just…Antwan mentioned—"

"my hp? of course he did. they always do. if red and sans were here, you'd be getting the whole lecture." Stretch rolled to his feet. "i'm not going to tell you it's no big deal because you aren't going to believe me and it is, a little. but i've been dealing with it all my life. that guy on the bus caught me off guard but seriously, he never would have made contact." Stretch gave him a lopsided grin and flopped back on the sofa. "i've got pretty good reflexes.

"what did edge tell you at the beanery? that you saved the princess from the murder beast?" Stretch gave him a look that was an equal mix of irritation and affection, "because much as i appreciated the save, i'd like to think it wasn't quite that dire."

"You knew I met him for coffee?"

"of course i knew. edge doesn't keep many secrets. not much point for him to, finding things out is a hobby of mine."

Somehow, that was utterly believable. Jeff had a feeling he was still wading in the kiddie end of the pool and Stretch had depths that he hadn't seen yet. "So you know he got my student loans paid off."

Stretch's sockets narrowed. "that i did not know. my sources are letting me down." Jeff winced. Oops. "good to hear, though, you deserved it."

"Thought you just said I didn't save a princess," Jeff tried for joking. He was getting a little sick of hearing that he deserved all this shit for doing something decent. Just how bad had it been for these guys when they'd gotten to the surface that something as simple as not letting a human hurt them was impressive?

For once, Stretch looked serious. "it doesn't mean you didn't help."

"If you two are finished bonding over your nefarious activities, dinner is ready." They both startled as Edge spoke from the kitchen entryway. 

The front door opened just as Edge finished and Antwan made a beeline straight for the kitchen, "Thank fuck. I hope you opened that wine because I could use a drink."

"I did not, I have a specific wine chosen for dinner; I'll plan another dinner around your bottle. If you'd like a real drink, you know where the liquor cabinet is."

"Nah, I won't spoil dinner," Antwan rubbed a hand over his face wearily and Jeff wished that he could do something. That they'd been dating long enough that he could offer a hug or a kiss, or even an ear; advice was probably beyond his skill set, but he was willing to listen. "Whiskey can be for dessert."

On the other side of the kitchen was the dining room, dominated by a large mahogany table. The table was laid out with elegant dishes, bone-white china edged in gold, the silverware aligned precisely. The cloth napkins even had a napkin ring. It made Jeff all the more conscious of his Walmart shirt. 

Stretch flopping down to sit next to him helped. He was wearing a plain orange t-shirt and track pants. Not exactly dressed to impress or at least not anyone who wasn't about to run a marathon, and Andy had a feeling that Stretch wasn't one for much running, not even when chased. 

"don't let the setup fool you, i told him not to scare you off with the eight-course meal so he went for something a little simpler," Stretch sighed and picked up a fork, waggling it between two fingers. "i'm sorry to say that this is simple."

If this was simple, Jeff wasn't sure he could handle elaborate. Antipasto salad he recognized at least and there was a plate of toasted Italian bread with a thick coating of cheese. Another dish held what looked like roasted Brussel sprouts and there were a couple of bowls that were beyond his ability to identify. It was a hell of a lot fancier than his normal Friday night mac and cheese. 

Edge returned from the kitchen with a large pan in his oven-mitted hands. He set it carefully on a set of trivets, steam rising, and Jeff's heart sank.

Lasagna. It hadn't really occurred to him to tell them he didn't like tomatoes. Normally, it was only a problem on pizza night and it wasn't like it would kill him but…nope, it was all good, he told himself resolutely. There was plenty of other stuff on the table and he could manage a few bites. 

Across the table, Antwan sighed in appreciation. "I'd come over here more often, Edge, but I'd gain twenty pounds and I already don't have enough time to hit the gym."

"it'd be for a good cause. looks great, babe," Stretch blew him a kiss and to Jeff's secret heart's delight, Edge pretended to catch it, holding it close to his chest. Okay, yeah, he could believe Stretch now. This guy might be tough out in the real world but here in his house, he was a marshmallow, at least for his boyfriend. Good thing because his room was already small enough that he kept his laundry basket in the closet. Fitting Stretch would have been a worthy challenge.

"Really good," Jeff lied, eyeing the sundried tomatoes scattered artistically over the top. Maybe he should have been less enthusiastic because Edge cut him a generous portion, the visible layers of meat and cheese slathered in tomato sauce.

He delayed the inevitable while everyone else got their portion. None of them waited, digging in enthusiastically and Jeff knew his time was up. Gingerly, he cut off the corner and forked it up. Immediately his tongue rebelled, ugh, god, tomato sauce and sundried tomatoes. It was like the culinary version of nails on a chalkboard. He tried not to breathe to keep the taste at a minimum, chewing as quickly as he could and swallowed hard. The bite went down reluctantly and Jeff quickly took a sip of water to speed up the process. 

All three of the others were looking at him and Jeff wanted to crawl under his chair. Yeah, that had been subtle.

"problem?" Stretch asked, lazily. He flipped his own fork through his fingers, looking amused.

"No, no, it's fine," Jeff croaked. He took another bite and forced back a gag, managing to get it down.

"yeah, wow, you sure look like your enjoying that, kid," Stretch said dryly. "what's wrong?"

"It's just…tomatoes," Jeff mumbled.

"You're allergic?" Antwan looked something like a cross between irritated and concerned, and wow, that was great. Everyone could join in with his misery, why not. "Why would you eat them if you're allergic—"

"I just don't like them," he admitted, "I'm good with almost anything else but—"

Edge stood abruptly and Jeff watched him disappear back into the kitchen, his heart sinking. Great, he'd insulted their host. He'd known he was gonna fuck this up, why had he thought he wasn't going to fuck this up?

The door to the kitchen swung open again and Edge returned, carrying a plate…with a sandwich. He set it in front of Jeff. "Better?"

Soft wheat bread, layered with ham and cheddar. "Yes, thank you," he said gratefully.

"Next time, say something," Edge said curtly. 

Main course aside, everything else tasted as good as it looked. He skipped the salad, more tomatoes, naturally, but the Brussel sprouts he'd had two servings. Antwan had been right about Edge's ability to cook, for sure. If he took requests, Jeff was going to try for Thai.

They were all nearly finished when Antwan's phone chirped again insistently with no respect for fine dining. 

"Shit," he sighed, "Sorry guys, I know this is rude as hell."

"if you can't be rude to your friends, who can you be rude to?" Stretch snorted. "we know who it is, just take it."

Antwan vanished through the door and Stretch held up the wine bottle, a brow bone raised. "Sure, why not," Jeff offered his glass, accepting the last half-glass. "Dinner was really good, Edge, thank you for inviting me."

"Thank you for not vomiting, if there's anything else that makes you gag, I'd appreciate a--" Edge winced visibly as a loud thud came from beneath the table.

"ixnay," Stretch said through his teeth. His grimace shifted to a tight grin, "what he means to say is you're welcome. glad you liked it. because he's not fucking rude and he's not going to be a dick about it."

"You're welcome," Edge parroted. His skull twisted and it took Jeff a minute to realize he was trying not to smile. "I'm glad you liked it. I'm not a fucking dick."

"If you're not a dick, then I won't be a dipshit and next time I'll say something," Jeff offered. 

Apparently, almost smiles were reserved for Stretch. Jeff was worthy of a curt nod and Edge stood, gathering the dishes. He did take a moment to rub his shin, giving Stretch a side-eye. Stretch gave him an innocent smile and helped, the two of them carrying most of the dishes between them. 

There were only a few dishes left and Jeff gathered them up in a careful stack, carrying them into the kitchen. The door opened on silent hinges and Jeff stepped in…and stopped. Stretch and Edge were both leaning against the sink but they sure as hell weren't washing dishes, they were…kissing? He guessed they were kissing, however it was skeletons did it. 

Frozen, he stood there staring, like a fucking idiot. Until he noticed Edge's eye sockets were open, glaring at him. 

"Sorry," he mouthed and backed out. He abandoned the dishes in his arms back on the table, and fled back to the living room just as Antwan walked back inside. He was going to guess he wasn't exuding raw sexuality or even vague appeal at the moment because Antwan's expression went from irritated to concern with stop-on-a-dime swiftness.

"Are you sure you aren't allergic to tomatoes?" Antwan pressed the back of his hand to Jeff's forehead, testing. "'Cause you're about as red as one right now."

"I walked in on them making out in the kitchen and Edge saw me," Jeff blurted.

Antwan pursed his lips and he must've gone to the same school where Edge got his degree in dickishness because he was trying pretty damn hard not to smile, "Okay, yeah, that's a little awkward."

Jeff sank down on the sofa and buried his face in his hands, groaning, "He hates me."

Antwan patted his back sympathetically. "Probably. Don’t take it personally, he hates everyone."

"That is not as comforting as you seem to think."

"oh, come on, it's not like we were naked with bones flying around," Stretch breezed in, Edge at his heels. "boners flying, heh."

Jeff couldn't hold back a laugh and if it sounded a touch hysterical, well, he was having a hell of a night. A gentle hand settled on his head, sifting lightly through his hair and Jeff leaned into it with a sigh.

"If you guys are finished scarring my date," Antwan said, giving Jeff a last gentle pat, "I need to talk to you for a minute, Edge."

"Of course." The two of them went into the kitchen, the door swinging shut behind them.

Stretch groaned, flopping down on the sofa. He was tall enough that his skull pressed lightly against Jeff's thigh and his legs dangled over the arm. "just once it would be great if they'd leave work at work."

"We can go outside again if you want to smoke," Jeff offered.

"nah, edge would bitch at me. i’ve been smoking like a chimney for the past couple weeks and he’s trying to get me to cut back."

"Why?" Jeff blinked. "It’s not like you have lungs."

"yeah, so getting to skip out on the cancer warnings is a bonus, but the tradeoff is that it’s not great for our magic. it has something of a dampening effect. i usually have an overabundance of magic so it doesn’t matter much, but even i feel it if i smoke enough."

"I guess I didn't think about it," Jeff said thoughtfully. "So what, you do get a nicotine buzz from it?"

"something like that," Stretch agreed. "i haven't bothered to figure out the science behind it, but yeah. if it didn't do something for me, why would i bother? good on you for finally asking a question, by the way," Stretch grinned. "i thought you were going to hurt yourself earlier trying to be polite. you can ask, it's okay, but i reserve the right to not answer if it's too private."

"Sorry," Jeff winced. "I just…you probably get this shit all the time, you don't need it from me."

"except how i gave you permission," Stretch nudged him with his head. "c'mon, andy, if you can't ask your friends embarrassing questions—"

"Who can you ask," Jeff finished. "Um, okay, were you guys really kissing in the kitchen?"

That got him a laugh, "going right for the throat? okay, sure, yeah, we were kissing. we even have tongues." He poked the tip of a bright, glowing tongue out between his teeth and Jeff felt his own mouth drop open. "thanks but i've already seen the human version."

He shut his own mouth with a click, "The teleporting was cooler."

"not for blowjobs," Stretch said amicably. And before Jeff could figure out if he was serious, he grinned, sitting up and leaning in conspiratorially.

"wanna see something funny?"

"Hell, yeah," Jeff whispered back. 

Stretch pulled out his phone and started a video playing. He handed it to Jeff, who took it, peering down at it. Antwan was on the screen. He looked good, he always looked good, even though he was scowling and holding a piece of paper. 

"This video is being made per the agreement with Papyrus of the Underswap universe," Antwan read, his voice flat. Okay, yeah, that was pretty funny. Just the stiff, irritated way he was reading was amusing, maybe more than it should be but…well…Jeff liked him. He really liked him.

"As per the agreement, he will sign a prepared statement issuing apology to the Ebott Transit Authority and the plaintiff in case number # 1-1568420 in exchange for my agreement that Jeff, henceforth known as Andy in this video, is my true soulmate and that as star-crossed lovers the event that occurred on Ebott bus #12 was instrumental in our meeting—"

"What the fuck are you doing?"

Both of them startled as Antwan stormed over and snatched the phone away. He tapping the screen ferociously and it went silent. “I told you to knock it off with that shit. The deal was I make the bullshit video, not that you share it with your cult or anyone else."

"oh, come on, it was cute. wasn’t it cute?"

Jeff swallowed hard, inexplicably hurt. It had been cute right up until it suddenly became bullshit to Antwan. They’d only been dating a couple weeks and yeah. They didn’t have much in common past the fact that the sex was good. He knew that, he'd known from the start this was just about sex but the knowledge hadn’t really hurt until now.

"besides, if that was the deal it should have been included in the contract, lawyerpants."

"He has a point," Edge took Stretch's phone back and pocketed it. "We're going to be a little while, love, why don’t you show Jeff your lab?”

"if you want us to leave so you can talk shit behind our backs, you can just say so," Stretch lifted his chin indignantly. "c'mon, andy, we don't need this shit."

"It's Jeff," Antwan snapped.

"It really doesn't bother me," Jeff said quietly. Neither Stretch nor Antwan paid him any attention; Antwan was busy glaring at Stretch and Stretch was simply looking back with a smirk, and the unspoken challenge was almost visible in the air. Daring Antwan to do something. 

"Show him your lab," Edge repeated, sharply, one hand circling Antwan's upper arm. He lowered his voice to murmur to Jeff, "A word to the wise. Don’t touch anything."

"Got it," he muttered back, then louder, hopefully, "Can we teleport there?"

That got Stretch's attention. He turned back to Jeff and his delighted grin positively glowed, "fuck, yes. you and me? we are going to get along just fine."

Well. At least he was getting along with someone.

tbc


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeff learns...well. Look, it's complicated.

* * *

If the third time was a charm applied to teleporting, then Jeff was going to be extremely disappointed because he couldn't imagine a world where he wouldn't be excited to do this every single time.

"here we are," Stretch announced, slouching back against a wall and tucking his hands into his hoodie pocket. "have a look while we wait for them to finish talking about shit that they don't want us to know about."

Okay, wow, it was like the inventing room in the old Willy Wonka movie. There was stuff everywhere, things Jeff didn't know the name of and only recognized distantly. On one table was some kind of machine that was in pieces and another had a lab setup that would do Victor Frankenstein proud, tiny droplets of something that glowed dripping into a stoppered beaker. 

Against one of the walls was a desk covered with messy piles of paperwork and forms surrounded by several broken pencils. In the middle of the chaos was a framed picture. Jeff leaned in closer to look, taking Edge at his word not to touch anything. 

The picture was of a bunch of skeletons, including Stretch and Edge. They all looked a lot alike…was that being racist? They didn’t really look alike past being skeletons but skeletons tended to look a lot alike?

"oh, hey," Stretch sauntered up next to him. He picked up the frame, holding it so Jeff could see it. He pointed at a short skeleton dressed all in blue and beaming at the camera. In the picture Stretch was standing behind him, leaning down to wrap his arms around the other skeleton, "this is my bro, blue, and this is edge's bro, red," He pointed at another skeleton and yeah, Jeff could have guessed that one. He and Edge had the same sharpened teeth and they obviously shopped at the same stores; he was dressed all in black except a red jacket. Stretch pointed at another pair of skeletons, tall and short again, with the taller grinning widely and the shorter offering the camera a lazier smile. "This is sans and papyrus."

"I thought your name was Papyrus?" Jeff asked. That's what had been on all the paperwork at the police station. 

Stretch laughed but there was something sad in it. "like i said, it’s complicated."

Jeff got the feeling that despite Stretch's offer, this wasn't one he wanted to ask about, not right now. So he tried a different tact, "And they’re all diplomats?"

That got him a more sincere laugh, "uh, i’d say red is the opposite of a diplomat and sans doesn’t much care. red is the head of security on the team and sans is kinda his assistant. they're over there to take care of everyone else. blue, papyrus, and frisk are the diplomats. queen toriel is with them, too, which is a good thing because at least she remembers to text."

"You and Edge didn’t go?"

Stretch rubbed his thumb over the glass where his brother's picture was. The bone made a rough sound against it. "edge was supposed to go. he wouldn’t go without me."

It was entirely possible that Stretch didn't want to talk about this, that Jeff was missing some unspoken cue to change the subject. He wasn't exactly great at reading people. It didn't feel that way though, it felt like Stretch was hoping he'd ask, push Stretch to talk about things that he wouldn't bring up himself. Biting his lip, Jeff asked him, gently, "You didn’t want to go?"

Stretch shook his head and set the picture back where it had been with almost exaggerated care. "asgore didn’t want me to go. i’ve been doing some work for him. me and sans, we do a little science. red does, too, but not nearly to our extent. we couldn’t both go, so we settled it with paper, rock, scissors. i went with scissors and sans went with meteor that destroys everything and won," Stretch smiled a little, "fucking cheater. eh, he's even more protective of his bro than i am and papyrus couldn't stay so sans would have been here alone. better it was me."

Jeff leaned in to study the picture again, curiously, "You and Edge aren't standing together."

Stretch gave him a surprised look. "well, ain't you a sherlock holmes. yeah, this is from before we were dating."

It seemed like it was a little more than that; they were standing completely opposite each other. If they'd been any further apart, one of them would have been out of the frame. 

Stretch seemed to catch his curiosity but he looked away, his gaze on the other side of the lab. "it took a little while for the two of us to get along after everything went down and we all ended up on the surface. you know, when i first met him? if anyone had tried to convince me we'd be living together, i would have judged them as a liar. now look at us."

Living together in their cookie cutter home with their tidy flower beds and lasagna dinners; Jeff though of his own cluttered room, his macaroni and cheese Fridays. He could imagine worse fates. "Are you two married?"

Stretch scoffed, wandering over to Frankenstein's table. He peered at the tubes and beakers, seemingly satisfied at what he saw. "nah, we're committed, that's a pretty good word for it. nothing as formal as married but monsters aren't as hung up about that as humans are. neither of us are going anywhere."

"He really seems to care about you," Jeff said, then winced. Okay, that was kind of none of his business.

"i know." Stretch didn't seem to mind, not smug, nothing but simple honesty. "i care about him, too. anyway, edge told me to show you my lab and here it is!" he spread his hands in a _tada_ gesture. "this is what i actually do. not many people know, the king thinks it's better to keep a few secrets under our metaphorical hats."

"Should you be telling me this?" It all sounded a little ominous and he didn't want Stretch to get into trouble.

He shrugged. "edge wouldn't have told me to take you down here if he didn't trust you. guess whatever spy shit he was doing on you came out clean."

Spy shit? Maybe it was better not to ask. "So you do lab stuff?"

"something like that," Stretch agreed. "here, check this out."

He pulled Jeff over to one of the worktables. In a weird contrast to the others, this one was flawlessly tidy. There was a contraption on one end that looked like some kind of mutant coffee machine, all dials and knobs with a weird spout, and next to it was a large mirror and a few metal tins. Carefully, Stretch pried the lid off one of the tins.

"still a little bruised from defending my honor, right?" Stretch gestured at the mirror and in his reflection Jeff could see the discoloration still around his eye. It had bruised up pretty badly, particularly since he hadn't been able to put any ice on it until after Antwan had posted bail for him. Even a couple of weeks later there was still a sickly darkened tinge. 

"What is that?" Jeff peered in the tin. It was filled with some kind of ointment, yellowish and thick. "It looks like antibiotic ointment."

"it is. standard generic brand from wallyworld," Stretch grinned, "with a little flare. hold still."

He scooped up a tiny amount and spread it around Jeff's eye. His finger felt odd and rigid. It was only a little cool and greasy at first and then Jeff winced, flinching back when it suddenly began to burn.

Stretch caught him by the wrists, keeping his hands down. "just hang on, it only hurts for a second. look in the mirror, watch."

Eyes watering, Jeff did. Astonishingly, the bruising faded while he watched, like some kind of movie FX.

"That’s amazing," Jeff breathed. Stretch handed him a paper towel and Jeff absently took it, wiping the ointment away. Beneath the glossy layer was nothing but perfectly normal skin without a hint of a bruise.

"it is, yeah. just a standard ointment, magically infused," Stretch popped the lid back on the tin. "it does what it should, the magic just makes it do it _better_. making it is actually the easy part. to be able to mass market it, the fda will want all the info on how to make it and we can’t do that. 

"can you even imagine if most humans knew we could do something like this?" Stretch shuddered and a cold shiver ran down Jeff's spine, because he could and he didn't like the outcome his brain was suggesting. "i like watching horror movies but i don’t feel much like living one."

"Yeah, god," Jeff mumbled. 

"the only way for us to get around that would be for people to come here to heal and we don’t want that for all kinds of reasons," Stretch ticked off on his fingers, "then there's the issue of pricing; we don’t want rich people only buying our stuff, not something like this. a new kind of smart phone, that's tech we want to sell, but healing? it's not right to make humans suffer because they can't afford the price.

"anyway, my deal was to help make it. sans and i designed the extractor," Stretch patted the mutant coffee maker, "and i've been building it while they're gone. tested on myself which made edge all kinds of pissed but i have magic to spare and it worked like it's supposed to. it's on the negotiators out there to deal with the rest of it."

Holy shit this was…not at all what Jeff expected to be getting out of a dinner invitation. He didn't know quite what to feel about all this, this knowledge that Stretch had gifted to him and he couldn’t tell anyone. 

As if confirming Jeff's thoughts, Stretch tapped the lid of the tin, his bony finger loud against the metal. "i’m trusting you by showing you this."

Jeff didn't even have to think about it. "I won’t tell anyone, I promise." He crossed his heart with his finger. 

"good." Stretch pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket and then seemed to catch himself, grimacing as he put them back. Yeah, probably couldn't smoke in a clean room but it was telling that he seemed a little shaken by sharing all this. With Jeff of all people, the college graduate who was barely making rent, who could potentially wreck them by saying something stupid to the wrong person. Or something deliberate to the right people.

"Why are you showing me this?" Jeff had to ask. He wouldn't, would _never_ want to hurt them, but he had to know. 

He shrugged uncomfortably, rubbing his arms, "because i have a few thousand followers on twitter. but i could use a friend. one who isn't a monster or almost related to me. i was hoping you were applying for the spot," Stretch sighed. "i can _see_ you. more than you probably want me to see. and i can see that you're a good person."

Edge had said something similar, at the coffee shop. _You're a genuinely good person._ "Being friends sounds pretty cool, Nightcrawler."

That got him a delighted laugh and the tension eased like a punctured balloon, "sounds really cool, andy. okay, let's get back and see what the suits are getting up to."

Jeff squawked in surprise when Stretch caught him by the hand and twirled him, pulling him into something like a waltz which was an awful idea on his part because a. Jeff was a terrible dancer and b. Jeff was leading.

Ignoring Jeff's awkward stumbling, Stretch moved with easy grace despite the lack of music, chanting, "and a one, a two—"

"—a three," he finished and they were back in the living room. He gave Jeff a last twirl and he couldn't help laughing because it was ridiculous and funny…

…and Edge and Antwan were both standing there, staring at them. Jeff ignored the flush of embarrassment rising in his cheeks, raising his chin defiantly to glare back at them. Fuck them if they couldn't see the humor in it.

A twitch of a smile flashed across Edge's face. "If you're both quite finished, so are we."

There was a neatly wrapped package in Antwan's hands and Stretch flicked at it with a roll of his eye lights, "aw, did he get you leftovers? gotta mommy everyone, don't you, babe. this is why we need to get a dog."

"Taking care of you is enough trouble," Edge grumbled. "Thank you, both of you, for coming."

"Keep cooking and I'll keep coming. See you tomorrow, Edge," Antwan shifted his bundle to one hand and held out a fist to Stretch. "I'll probably see you for some bullshit reason soon, too."

Stretch tapped it lightly and raised the same hand in a mocking salute. "i got arrested _one time._ "

"Yeah, but you bring other people along for the ride," Antwan looked at Jeff for the first time and he seemed oddly subdued, not at all his normal lawyerly confidence. "You ready?"

"Sure," Jeff said quietly. He didn't really feel that enthusiastic about the car ride back and he'd been planning on going back to Antwan's place with him, his overnight bag was in the back of the car. From Antwan's uncomfortable stance, that seemed a lot less likely than it had on the ride here and he wondered tiredly if he was about to get dumped. Not like he'd blame Antwan if he did, it wasn't like he'd managed to be very impressive at any point tonight.

He wondered if Stretch was still going to want to be friends with him afterward. He hoped so; getting dumped was going to hurt but he didn't even want to think about getting a chance to glimpse this world and then never getting to see it again. Life sucked but he wanted to think the universe wasn't that cruel. 

He really hoped it wasn't. 

The walk to the car was like playing the beginning of the evening in reverse, his anxiety over dinner replaced with worrying over what was going to happen once they were inside it. 

Antwan settled into the driver's seat and put the keys in the ignition but to Jeff's bewilderment, he didn't start the car. Instead, he reached over and took Jeff's hand in his own, twining their fingers together. 

"Hey, _Andy_ ," Antwan said softly, gently squeezing his hand. "You okay?"

It made Jeff smile, a little. "Why wouldn't I be okay?"

"Because I acted like a shithead," Antwan said bluntly, making Jeff look at him in surprise. "I’m sorry. Edge just about ripped me a new asshole and—"

"What?" Jeff interrupted, startled. "Edge yelled at you? Why?"

Antwan grimaced, "He didn't yell but Edge has a way of talking that makes you really listen. I told you I’ve known them for a while, right? They weren’t together when I met them; they could barely stand each other. Edge reminded me that being an asshole almost cost him this." He gestured at the house with its tidy flowerbeds. "I can't imagine the two of them not together. They're both assholes but they've been through a lot and they love each other so much.

"Anyway, I was rude as shit. I mean, look, we’ve only been dating a little while, and...I like you," Antwan confessed, almost shyly and if that wasn’t fucking adorable. "Stretch likes to play his games and I don't need you to think I'm some kind of freak going on about soulmates and shit."

"I don't think you're a freak, I know a joke when I see one," Jeff told him. The hurt that had been aching in his chest swelled into something else, something neither of them were ready to name. "You like me?"

Antwan exhaled slowly. "Yeah, well, I’m not all about star-crossed lovers but that didn’t mean I had to be like that about it." He rubbed his thumb over Jeff's knuckles. "And of course I like you, what the fuck kind of question is that? You're smart, you're funny. You stood up for one of my best friends even when you didn't expect to get anything out of it." He smiled a little, leaning in and pulling Jeff's hand up so he could press a kiss to it. "And you try so hard even when you're uncomfortable. It’s _because_ I like you that I want to take things a little slow."

"Slow?" Jeff repeated, amused. Their first date had involved blowjobs. “Does that mean no more sex?"

"Bite your fucking tongue," Antwan smirked at him. "Better yet, let me do it."

Yeah, he was definitely staying at Antwan's tonight. Jeff leaned in eagerly and kissed him, let Antwan push him down into the seat, because fuck yes, the sex was great and at least Jeff knew he could do that right.

A knock on the window made them jerk apart. Edge was looking in at them and Jeff found himself wishing he knew how to teleport. He fumbled for the window button and decided to let Antwan handle it.

"What the fuck, man?" Antwan grumbled.

Okay, well, that was handling it, sort of. 

"You forgot your cell phone," Edge handed it in, smirking. "And may I remind you that we have neighbors?" His eye lights flicked to Jeff, who could only cringe. "Jeff? If you come back with Antwan for dinner next week, I'll avoid tomatoes. Stretch wanted to play some kind of board games," he shuddered.

"We aren't playing Monopoly again," Antwan said immediately. 

"We can't," Edge shrugged. "We still haven't replaced the board from last time."

"What happened last time?" Jeff asked, not sure he wanted to know.

"Don't ask," Antwan muttered at the same time Edge said, "Don't worry; we did replace the fire extinguisher." 

He glanced at Jeff again. "Do you have any preferences for dinner?"

"Can you do Thai?" Jeff asked, equal parts wary and hopeful.

For the first time since they'd met, Edge's expression lit up. It made him look less ominous, somehow, almost a little like Stretch.

Fuck, he really was an asshole, thinking they all looked alike. 

"I've never tried making it. It'll be a good chance to learn something new," he nodded, "Thai, then, next week. Good night." He turned and walked away without another word and Jeff breathed out a sigh of relief. 

Antwan only chuckled and started the car. "You made a hell of an impression on him."

"I didn't think he liked me," Jeff mumbled. He still wasn't sure.

Antwan only shook his head. "He doesn't take requests lightly, trust me. Anyway, the best way to get on Edge’s good side is a high tolerance for Stretch’s bullshit." He backed out of the driveway, cruising along down the road for a moment before reaching over and settling a hand on Jeff's knee. "So, you wanna fuck?"

"You sure know how to romance a guy," Jeff said wryly. "Fuck, yes, drive faster."

"Don't need to worry about that, I have a house here in New New Home," Antwan said amicably. "Come on, let me show you where I really live."

It seemed like all kinds of secrets were coming tumbling down tonight. That was fine, Jeff decided. It was a pretty shitty superhero name, but whatever. Handy Andy was going to be up for the challenge.

* * *

_Epilogue_

Edge hesitated at the front door, listening to Antwan drive away. Then he took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and stepping inside. Sprawled across the sofa, Stretch was talking into his phone.

"…yeah, bro, i understand…"

From this angle, he could see the very second Stretch’s smile became forced.

Fuck.

"it's all good, you guys have shit to do. take care. love you, bro, maybe call a little more often, you brat." He paused, listening. "yeah, well, tell red to fuck off. no, it never has, but maybe it'll work better for you. yeah. yeah, i know. love you. bye."

He tossed the phone towards to coffee table, not even looking when it missed and clattered to the floor. His head was tipped back, his eye lights staring unfocused at the ceiling.

"they're going to be gone for another month," Stretch said, low.

"I know," Edge said, softly. Antwan had wanted to tell Edge first, hoping to give him a chance to soften the blow, but it looked like that effort had been wasted. God damn it, why didn't anyone else _think_? "I was going to tell you, love, I didn't want it to spoil dinner. I'm sorry."

"huh?" Stretch startled, shifting to look at him. His expression softened and he was abruptly closer to Edge, sliding his arms around him, "i know that, i never even thought you might try to hide it from me, babe."

Edge held him close for a moment, until he felt the soft quiver go through him. He tried to draw back and Stretch clung to him stubbornly, refusing to lift his face from Edge's shoulder. Another month, a month of his brother being away, of his anxiety waking him at night, drowning him in nightmares that were less than imagination and far more than a simple memory. 

"Call him back and tell him to come home," Edge said abruptly. 

Stretch shook his head, his skull rubbing Edge's shirt, "this is important."

"Fuck important," Edge said roughly. "If you need your brother, you need him."

That got him to pull away, glaring down at Edge, and his sockets were limned with translucent orange, streaks of it on his cheekbones, "your brother is gone, too!"

With his thumb, Edge wiped away one of the streaks, "You can’t compare my relationship with my brother to yours and Blue's."

That got him a sour smile, Stretch pulling roughly away and fumbling out his pack of cigarettes, "why?" Stretch asked, the words blurred around his cigarette as he lit it. "because i’m broken and you're not?"

He always smoked inside when he was trying to be aggravating and Edge pointedly ignored it, only taking a moment to pull an ashtray out of one of the end tables. He set it down with an emphatic thump. 

"Because we’re both broken in very different ways," Edge told him, softly. He didn't need to explain, didn't need to remind Stretch that none of his own nightmares included being covered in his brother's dust.

Stretch exhaled a cloud of smoke, impatiently crushing his mostly unsmoked cigarette out, and covered his face with his hands. "i'll be fine. look, just give it a week. if it gets bad, you can call him."

"All right," Edge agreed. It was more than he'd been expecting. He moved to sit on the end of the sofa, patting his knee. Instead of sitting in his lap, Stretch sprawled back on the sofa and set his head there, curling in close. His way of wordlessly asking for affection and Edge was more than happy to oblige, petting his skull gently. He waited until Stretch's sockets were closed, some of his tension easing, before he said. "Jeff and Antwan are coming back next week for dinner."

"yeah?" It was enough for a small smile. "good, so you didn't manage to scare away my new friend."

"If that was enough to scare him away, you didn't want to keep him, anyway."

Stretch slit open a socket to glare up at him. "nice try, edgelord, quit being a dick. if you scare away my friend, i’m going to be grumpy. you wouldn’t like me when i’m grumpy."

"I already know I don’t like you when you're grumpy, you don’t need a signature statement about it. And I’m not scaring away your friend."

"not from lack of trying."

Edge smiled and leaned down, nuzzling against Stretch’s skull. "I’m not trying, thank you, but either way, he's not going to run. He’s a pain in the ass like you are. It’s not me that he’s afraid of, he’s more afraid of himself."

"okay, you can stop with the psychoanalysis now," Stretch yawned. "try not to be passive aggressive? nothing with tomatoes."

"Nothing with tomatoes," he agreed. He kept up his gentle touches, petting his way lower, his thumb rubbing against Stretch's sternum. Until his breathing slowed, easing into sleep. As carefully as he could, Edge reached for the television remote, turning it on with the volume down, the subtitles crawling across the bottom. It would be hours before he felt the urge to sleep himself and until then, he would stay like this, keeping watch. 

A flurry of swearing scrolled across the bottom of the television and Edge leaned back, stroking his lover contentedly as Gordon Ramsey shouted soundless on the screen. The light flickered over Stretch's face, washing out the paleness of his skull, and he slept on peacefully in the quiet room. 

-finis


End file.
